Karen's new version of Please Read... Feb 2013

Dear workshop!

I've been making a lot of changes up to the moment of sending this to you guys, so some of these passages in the first two parts are more or less placeholders and will surely make me cringe when I read them again, so I don't really need line notes. If you want to give me notes on what passages are weakest though that would be great, if convenient. 
The main question is on the level the whole book - what makes a better overarching and satisfying story? I'm probably submitting a version for thesis March 1st that more resembles what you last read,  but thought I would run this one by you, it's based on suggestions from my thesis advisor. There are still things i just haven't had time to do yet but hopefully I've made some approximation to addressing the main issues.  

Questions to consider after you've read it:

Does Hand in Glove seem to have a weaker thematic link or significance than the rest?

Does Now my heart is Full seem out of tone/character with the rest in a negative way?

How does having Laura being more healthy at 35 affect the book? What problems do you have with this "ending"? Does it hold any significance at that point since it's the first part one finishes?

Did it seem like a cop out to have her recover so to such a large degree instead of this being more true to the more common story of chronic illness, which is usually well, chronic? However, this could realistically happen for someone with her medical history. 
One thing I'm considering is having her have some health issue in the first page and having her be cleared of it right before she meets the man with the dog. Would this achieve some congruity and resonance with the rest of the book ?

Does this separate the first half from the rest of the book too much/ reader lose interest for the parts of the book that come before she has ever met Simon?

How did you like Krister as Marius? (figure skating boy is now also cafe boy)

Of course I would also love to hear any other comments you might have as I have made a number of small adjustments throughout.
Thanks for reading! 

Scott's short collection

Here are the notes for a small collection of short stories I've been working on. Please read these before the manuscript:

Disintegration
-I've submitted this to some journals and received rejections from about half so far. No one else has read it, so I'm interested in hearing any feedback for its improvement.

Eulogy for a Father, Not Mine

-This is new. No special notes for this.
Let’s Keep Dancing
-This is intentionally derivative of Thomas Mann's story Disillusionment and Peggy Lee's song "Is That All There Is?" It would help me a lot if you would read the story (http://www.srs-pr.com/literature/mann-disillusionment.pdf) and listen to the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VscVP_Gt_s) either before or after reading this piece. I'm most interested in "influence" and how much I can get away with in regards to allusion, derivation, and homage. Am I borrowing too much? Aside from that, I'd like it to be treated as any story might workshop-wise.
Joan in Agony in Grace

-I think this might require a warning. This is meant to be a horror story so it's extremely violent and intended to make the reader somewhat uncomfortable. If you're sensitive to violence (or this subject matter) and would like to abstain from reading it, I completely understand. Otherwise, I'm interested in the reader's experience and whether it should be toned down. If so, how? Aside from that, I'd like it to be treated as any story might workshop-wise.
A Ghost Story in Three Acts

-No special notes for this.
Before We Begin

-I workshopped this in Deborah Eisenberg's class in autumn 2011 and have made a few changes since (not enough, in my opinion). I've been feeling like revisiting it, so I'd love to hear your comments.

Line edits would be helpful, but don't feel obligated if that's not your thing.

Thanks.

Yardenne's Author's Notes for The Book of David - Draft 3

Hey Friends,

This is the 3rd draft of my novel. I call it a 3rd draft, but really, some sections were written and rewritten many times and some were just written this week. What I would most want, if it's realistic, is for you to read it and write down your notes and only then look at the few questions I'm posting here. The reason I'd like this is that I'd like you to first give me your immediate impressions of this, without my questions directing your reading. Of course, if this isn't convenient, I'll understand completely. 

So here are things I'd like to know:

1. How do you feel about the order of information? Do you think more/less chronological order would create more drama/suspense?

2. What do you think of the mention of years at the beginning of segments? Does it help ground you in time or is does it break the flow of the story?

3. How do you feel about the characters? Do the people in David's family seem well-rounded to you? Do you want to get a fuller picture of them?

Thanks for reading! Waiting to hear your thoughts!

Yardenne

Tom's Author Notes for Ruth Ditch Prologue - Ch. 3

Study questions for your holiday reading:

• How do you feel about the Prologue? Would you prefer that the novel started with Chapter 1?
• Before Ruth is introduced in Chapter 1, does the opening of the chapter feel message oriented, ironic, a mixture, too soon to say? Would you prefer that the novel started with Ruth’s introduction in Chapter 1, i.e. no prologue and no opening Chapter 1 sequence at the memorial?
• Do you think there is too much dialogue driving the action, especially in the first two chapters?
• Does it feel plodding at any point? Does it take too long for the “story” to start? Would you like to see indicators of where the story is heading sooner
• Any glaring POV issues?
• There is violence in this story, no getting around that. But I recognize that some people are put off by it regardless of context. If it’s possible to put aside any reader bias, does the physical violence ever seem gratuitous or not serving anything larger in the story?
• If more flashbacks to Ruth’s early life are used intermittently to shed light on the present, would that bother you?
• Anything else on your minds is welcome. 

Thanks for reading.

Allergy List

We all received this info in an email, but I thought I would also post it here for reference.  That way it's easy to return to if we have questions.

Also, we have all been working around Karen's allergies quite deliciously so far, but since most of us aren't used to doing so I thought I might ask Karen to provide a few favorite recipe ideas at some point?  I am determined to bake something eventually.  Are there any gluten-free, nut-free, vegan cookie/muffin recipes out there?

Karen says:

As you know I am very allergic - EpiPen level, kryptonite- could result in death- type allergic. I also have celiac disease. Let me underline that it's fully possible to work around this and that it very rarely goes wrong, but it requires I pester you guys with the following alarming information:

There are three layers to this –

1. The stuff I can't be in the room with - this goes for peanuts and loose nuts (and large amounts of very stinky cheeses.) It's to do with the dust and smells that spread in the air and can give me an asthma attack. Also, the dust from loose nuts on people's hands gets everywhere and means I'm likely to have a non-mortal but very unpleasant allergic reaction from touching surfaces like doorknobs etc that the nut eaters have touched or from giving one a hug at the end of the night. 

 2. The second layer is that I can’t be in a room/small apartment where some allergens have been recently heated or cooked. This goes for eggs, nuts and dairy (i.e. scrambled eggs, steamed or boiling milk, the baking of delicious egg-milk-nut-cake.) If there is ventilation, doors to keep closed to the cooking area and/or a few hours between me and the cooking, it's fine. 

3. The third layer is what I personally can't eat, list follows:

Allergies: 

All milk products (milk protein, so that includes lactose free products)

Eggs

All nuts, including almonds, pine nuts, and particularly peanuts

Soy

Sesame seeds

Gluten (all kinds of flour and grain except corn, potato, rice, quinoa, and special gluten free oats.)

Turkey 

Flavor enhancers (msg)

Strawberries

Honey

Raw core fruits such as cherries, nectarines, peaches, apples and pears.

(other fruit like banana, oranges and grapes are fine)

Typical dangerous ingredient listings include "spices", "Natural flavor", "seasonings", casein, malt vinegar etc. I also avoid "may contain traces of:" nuts, peanuts, eggs and dairy.

Spice mixes, sauces and mustards etc without a detailed ingredient list can contain allergens.

As tiny and invisible amounts are enough to trigger allergic reactions:  hands,  knives, pan and cutting boards have to be thoroughly washed if they've touched any allergens.

For frying etc coconut, olive, rape seed, corn or sunflower oil are fine.

All pure spices and herbs are fine, all vegetables are fine, also fish and meat (except turkey), potatoes, coconut and rice are fine. :-)

This means I can eat salads with only vegetables in them and many other delicious things. It does mean however, that it can be challenging to cook for me. Which is why you always see me with lunch boxes and I usually eat what I bring myself. I will absolutely not hold it against anyone if they don't feel up to cooking for me. Don't worry about it.

It means as long as you don't cook the eggs/cakes/etc in the venue right before the meeting, you guys can eat anything except loose nuts and very stinky cheeses as long as you wash your hands at some point during the night (not usually a problem) and hug me a little carefully.

Thanks for reading this and please don’t hesitate for a second to call or email with any questions! 

Karen 

347.603.2053. karenhavelin@gmail.com

Madeline's Author Comments on Saint Sebastian

So I think you guys can mostly intuit what I'm looking for in terms of feedback.  I'm looking to start sending this out soonish and want to know how it reads as a whole, whether the beginning (which I have heavily edited) flows smoothly and whether the ending fits and feels complete (or not).  I've also received the comment that the writing isn't direct/lewd enough for fourteen year old boys.  I'm not sure what to do about this since lewd wasn't at all what I was going for in terms of tone, but I'm interested to hear your opinions.

I would love line edits (which I understand is easier for those people with actual copies than it is for those without), but if you're not feeling it I understand.

Thanks! xoxo

Karen's Author Comments

Dear workshop,

Several of you have read some of these stories in slightly different incarnations. In general I need to know how this works as a whole novel-like thing, and as one and the same main character.

Also, of course how they work as discrete stories, but they’ve all been workshopped before separately. Line notes are welcome if you feel up to it, or you could just make small notes of what you’re thinking at different times, if you miss certain information at specific times or start to fade, etc. Or refrain if you prefer.

Organizing principles, whether they work and suggestions for better solutions.

Unified themes, are they there or do they need to be strengthened? The titles are new, what do you think?

My goal is that they should work as separate stories and have some variation in style and mood between them (also want your thoughts on this) but that they should deepen each other, resonate and layer in a meaningful way, particularly when read in the right order.

The first story in particular is a work in progress and contains elements I’m not sure about, but I really really hope this reads like the main chunks of a very novel-like unified collection.

Thanks for reading, can’t wait to hear what you think!